So far October has proven to be a pretty trying month. What I thought would be a month filled with fun weekends and celebration were instead filled with tension-filled car rides and multiple therapy sessions with friends. It’s gotten so depressing that the swipe of a credit card can’t even erase the black cloud hovering over me.

As if I wasn’t in a life rut already career-wise, I added another notch to my failed relationships belt. Jobs and relationships are probably the core of who I am at this age and obviously, there is no clear path in either aspect. But I know there is one—I’m just too impatient to wait for it to see the light of day. I just have to trust that I will eventually be led in the right direction.

This semi-moment of clarity comes after 2 weeks of being completely and utterly single, something I haven’t been since high school. I know it isn’t the end of the world, and that in the grand scheme of things this will probably just be a tiny little insignificant blip, but in this moment, it feels like a turning point. I’ve felt more alone than I’ve ever felt, a feeling that I’m not familiar with nor do I care much for. I realize that I’m surrounded by friends and family and should feel grateful for their constant presence, but it doesn’t make up for the fact that I’ve just lost the one person I was closest to for the past 2 years of my life—years that were important in the development of the person I am today. That’s a tough pill to swallow, and we all know that’s not something I’m skilled at.

I full on moped for a few days, but knew that I couldn’t walk around being Eeyore forever. I joined the gym, cut my hair and started going to church again. Not exactly life-altering but it’s a start. As was expected, church provided the insight I was so desperately searching for.

I hadn’t attended church in a while. I had let my laziness get the best of me and I had been traveling in between cities so often it was just too difficult. The message from yesterday’s service was about marriage and commitment—things so far out of my grasp but things that seem to constantly surround me. The pastor made a reference to an article, from Elle magazine of all places, titled “Till Whatever Do Us Part”. The author, Rachael Combe, writes:

Doherty, who is also a couples therapist, says marriage isn’t about what you’re feeling for each other on any given day, because on many days love isn’t even on the top 10 list. “You can’t have a feelings-based marriage,” he says. “I call it a con sumer marriage, where you’re saying, ‘As long as my spouse is meeting my needs, then I stay. But if the costs go up and the rewards down, I bolt. And if a better alternative comes along, I’m gone.’ So there’s always a threat to the marriage and couples are always asking, ‘How happy is this making me?’ ”

I may not be married, but this describes how I am in relationships to a T. I’ve always known I was selfish but to realize that it was to the point of ruining a relationship was disheartening. Just like marriage, a committed relationship takes hard work and compromise, things that I clearly did not provide on my end. When I was unhappy, it seemed I was always waiting for a better alternative. It’s not something I’m proud to admit but I’ve always been the self-preservation type of person. But to realize that selfishness and impatience are my biggest character flaws is the first step towards growth. People say the first step is always the hardest.

Being alone and having so much time on my hands isn’t the easiest. I am a thinker by nature and tend to over-analyze every detail and action. To make things worse, I am also a pessimist. I don’t think I’ve always been this way but being dissatisfied with the choices I’ve made in life does that to a person. Having this time to reflect may or may not be good, but I’ve come to realize a few things. I am obviously not in the right mindset to be in a committed relationship right now, as much as I’d like to be. That’d be the easy route, but to be honest, I could probably use the challenge. I need to work on myself and that in itself is probably the biggest challenge I’ll ever face, being content and confident with my own decisions. I’ve also realized that certain distractions aren’t the best way for me to move forward. I’m reaching for something that isn’t there and likely will never be there. I’m getting attached and I know I need to let it go, but I just can’t quite figure out how to cut out the one thing that I always seem to fall back on.

I am hopeful though, that the philosophy this title encompasses will get me through this phase. One day at a time..